Suave’s Republique Cricket

Sportsfreak, our Kiwi brethren, has instigated a tipping competition, for the upcoming The England-NZ test series.

I’ve answered the following questions for the first test, but I know need to change them.

1. Result.  Draw.  It’s heavy rain all day today, and the forecast for tomorrow is poor.  Although days 3-5 look good

2. Session the test finishes on.  I guessed first session, fifth day.  It’ll now go to the wire

3. England top run scorer for the match.  I chose Ian Bell, and I’ll stick with that.

4. NZ top run scorer for the match.  Aaron Redmond. He’s looked good in the warm-ups

5. Who will bowl the most overs? Daniel Vettori.

6. What will the winner of the toss do? Now I think Bowl.  Cloud cover, wet, swingers paradise.

7. Second to Sidebottom, who will get the most wickets in the test? I said Hoggy, he’s out, so now I’ll go with Southee

8. Which non-keeper will take the most catches? I said Strauss, and I still stand by that.

9. What will Brendon McCullum’s strike rate be for the match? 83.  Could be higher, if both sides go for it, however, I’ll stick with that.

10. Man of the match.  I said it’d be Hoggard.  Now I think it’ll be Ian Bell

This is the current Leaderboard, I lost a point for not offering any commentary on my picks.  Highly unlike me, as you can imagine!

Dear Ceci Masters,

You were the first and only participant of this weeks “weekly quiz of wonderment“.  That’s because you guessed it right first up!  Well done lovely.  Your name is being stencilled to La Republique’s honours board as we speak!

With Kindest Regards,

Your benevolent leader, Suave.

Also, I’m off to Scotland for a long weekend climbing mountains, but will try to post as often as I can. 

Six word quiz time, again children!

Nelson. High Commisioner. All-rounder, fine fieldsman

See if you can guess this weeks quiz of wonderment, and win a made up picture of pure delight!

See if you can join the honours board, in La Republique’s Long Room!

Past winners…

David Barry

JRod

Ozmoses

John

Those retards in the selection comittee have gone for Jimmy Anderson over Matthew Hoggard.

Selection is supposed to be based on your last performance.  That’s why Hoggy was dropped, yet they chose the shithead, I can’t bowl more than one good session consecutively, pretty boy, tossbag, Jimmy Anderson.

Fucking hell, his last test was a shocker.  Vaughany wouldn’t even throw him the ball, Collingwood was first change.  How shit do you have to bowl, that colly get’s first change?

VERY!  That’s how shit.

I’m fucking angry at this, as you can probably tell.

Bastard Anderson better bowl out of his skin or I’ll find him and decapitate him.  His head will be found floating down the Regents Canal.

Rant over

After yesterday’s post, Mel & Ceci have been hard at work, creating more propaganda for the vote bumble campaign!

Here are their latest two pictures of pure delight!

Excuse the francais, it appears that myself and Ceci keep getting the sex wrong.  Fnarr Fnarr!

This one is a little NSFW, but I don’t know how to insert a Cutid.. If anyone can help me here, all suggestions welcome..

Vote Bumble, you know it makes sense!

love David “Bumble” Lloyd. I love him in a slightly unhealthy way, but let’s not tell him that.

In my mythical cricket family, he’s my wacky uncle. Christmastime would be a whole heap of fun with Uncle Bumble around for dinner. Daddy Suave doing a wonderful introduction, Uncle Bumble for the after dinner speeches. How cool would that be?

In this, I know I’m not alone. Ceci & Mel, two ladies with a whole lot of love, woooooawwww, a whole lot of love, wooooooaawww, also love the Bumble, and they want him to run for Prime Minister of our green and pleasant land.

They’ve set up a facebook group here..

I can’t go so far as to endorse that fully (sorry lasses), because I remember all too well his tenure as coach of The England team in the early-mid 90’s.

However, if he builds the right team around him, I will fully endorse him. I’ll donate illegally, rig votes, threaten people at polling stations, and if I wasn’t the Suave Leader of La Republique, I’d happily accept a peerage from him.

But this is a republic, and I’m the leader. What I need is a figurehead, of all things wonderful.

What I plan to do is nominate him as Le Président de la République Cricket.

Bumble Pour la présidence!

Vive La Republique!

Robert Key, was yesterday replaced by an evil replicant.  Unfortunately for those that made the trip to The Rose Bowl, Hampshireshire, the evil replicant was no match for the real super Rob, as it failed to get the ball off the square all morning.  The real robert sir robert, would have flayed them to all parts, whilst laughing maniacally!  HA HAA, BRING ME MORE PIES!  He might have said.

For a look at the real reasons for his dismissals, have a look at Kingy Cricketings here..

Michael Carberry also seems to have been replaced, with a lesser version of himself.  But seriously, who cares?  Not me, that’s who, and as I am all-powerful leader of the republic, I have a lot of say around these parts!

The Lions crawled, and when I say crawled, I don’t mean baby speed crawling, I mean bloke with broken leg, dragging himself down a fucking mountain, after nearly dying, crawling, to 48-0 at Lunch.

In the next session, they lost 5-40, and appeared to be on their way to a miserable little total, until Luke Wright decided to get medieval on their arses!

Yes, the little fella went batshit and scored 120 at a strike rate of 91, to put them up to a decent 280.

Hopefully, we’ll see the real Rob Key back today, directing the troops in the only way he knows.  MAGNIFICENTLY!!

Recently I was moaning about 20/20, and the fact that it can make ordinary players look good.

My reasonining, is that the pitches have all been made flat as pancakes, and thre is little to offer for the bowlers.  No real spin, swing or seam.  This allows bludgeoners to look good, as they can just smash through the line of the ball.  They had one pitch that turned square and seamed, and all of the players called it a joke.  Wankers.  Can you honestly imagine someone like “The Bearlike, Orphan Eating, Fuckhead“, playing Jim Laker on an uncovered Old Trafford or The Oval?  THat fucker wouldn’t average any where near as much as he does now.

In county cricket yesterday, five matches were played, and 64 wickets were taken.

It was a glorious day, all over The ENgland.  The sun was shining, the weather was sweet, boy, makes me want to move, those dancing feet, to the rescue, here I am!

What the batsman failed to take into account, was that most pitches had enough juice in them, to make it very difficult.   Too many players were undone, by seam and swing.  On pitches like ours in The England, you need to expect it to move off the pitch and through the air!

Unfortunately, it seems that batsman have missed out on this playing straight, or playing late lark, and are being constantly exposed.

In Lancashire’s innings yesterday, they were all out for 143, on a pitch that wasn’t that bad.  All 10 wickets were catches.  You’d think that the Durham players would have had a look at the way the Lancs batsman played, and adjusted accordingly.  Alas no, they were fuckwits too, being bowled out for a miserable 114.

Somerset were similarly shit yesterday.

If the ball swings, seams or spins, most international players look ordinary.  Bring back juicy pitches, and make the fuckers learn to play properly!

I’m bored of it.

I don’t care who wins or loses.

Surely the idea of a tournament is to care who wins?!

I’m a little on the busy side, as I’m finishing my current job tomorrow, and have to prepare and handover my work to another mug.

More updates when i can get the time.

Somerset’s county ground, Taunton is usually the flattest, easiest batting wicket in the whole of county cricket (although Chelmsford isn’t far behind).

Something weird has happened though, in 40 overs of cricket, 12 wickets have fallen.

Somerset were all out for 126, with James Tomlinson (who he?), taking 8-46.  Somerset hit back with two wickets in the first two overs, to leave Hampshire at a pretty precarious 6-2.  John Crawley & KP need to look to steady that ship now.

The sad thing about this, is that Somerset will most likely be punished for providing a below standard pitch. In fact,  I think they should be punished for all the flat ones they produce.