Suave's Republique Cricket

As I ease my way into this cricket blogging lark, I realised no-one actually writes anything, solely about the umpires.

This is wrong, as these paragons of virtue, are wonderful human beings, who are not blind, deaf or stupid.

In my not so humble opinion (I’m not humble, I’m suave, have you ever met a suave fella that was humble? No, so stop it), the two best umpires in world cricket at present are Simon Taufel and Aleem Dar.

Simon Taufel, has been voted ICC Umpire Of The Year, every year since it was first awarded in 2004. He looks like an all-round nice guy, who if your sister brought home, you’d offer him a beer. He is, however a probot. And surprisingly bald under that hat of his..

I can’t really explain Aleem Dar, he was involved in the farce that was the ICC Cricket World Cup Final Shamblesything. He’s had death threats for dodgy decisions in South Africa, and was criticised for making some howlers against Australia in the 2005 ashes tour. Maybe that’s why I like him, two out of three of the really bad times of his career, he’s inadvertently helped England. Aleem Dar should also be forced to wear a hat at all times, because without he has lego hair, and that is never a good look!

Last year though, himself and the freak that is Billy Bowden (stop it knobhead, no-one came to watch you!) had a fantastic series, when the Windies visited our green and pleasant land. They made decisions that were spot on, and that’s what you want from them.

Asad Rauf is just one cool motherfucker.. Moustaches = Ace. No questions.

Rudi Koertzen looks great when he wears his beard, but is South African (please, for the love of WG Grace don’t let Santa be a saffer!), which immediately makes him a lifelong enemy. Also. raise your arm in under ten seconds if they’re out… you know it’s out, we know it’s out, the batsman knows it’s out, this isn’t fucking Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Daryl Harper is OK, doesn’t seem to court too much controversy, and wears cool glasses. Any one who wears anything well, is a decent sort, in my book.

Mark Benson is an eedjit with a weak heart, but he’s English, so no comments on him, or I’ll send the Royal Navy round.

And finally that leaves our Caribbean chums, Steve Bucknor & Billy Doctrove.

Mr Bucknor, please come in your time is up… His umpiring accuracy was 96% in 2005-06. The old fella should have quit while he was ahead! What does worry me, is that he spent his lifetime officiating in one way or another. He was a mathematics teacher, then a FIFA qualified referee (that’s football or soccer to you non-English speakers, yes that includes you antipodeans!), then when forced to retire at 45, he become an ICC umpire.

There is something intrinsically wrong with a chap, that goes out of their way to tell other people what to do.

And last and definitely least, is Billy Doctrove. The less said about this man, the better. Billy Doctrove makes me want to smash my TV with my cricket bat, and if I’m at a ground and he’s officiating, I have to constantly fight the urge to run on to the field of play, steal a stump and beat him within an inch of his life. If he’s umpiring, and Haydon is batting, I’ll get .. DOUBLE Good times!