Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, 20/20 World cup, 20/20 World cup 2009, Andrew Symonds, australia
According to cackinfo, Andrew Symonds has been sent home again, for more alcohol fuelled shenanigans.
Now this shouldn’t come as a surprise to many, because he is a Brummy, and they’re all piss soaked tramps. That and the fact that he was brought up in ‘Straya, the home of fucking god awful weak lager.
Whenever he comes here, he drinks the same amount, and forgets that our beer is about fourteen times stronger. They don’t call it tanglefoot for now’t, you know.
This has got to be the last time he ever gets to pull on an Aussie jersey, hasn’t it? This must be number 6002 in his sozzled history, and surely that’s enough for any one predator.
Will this weaken the ‘Strayan 20/20 side? I’d say yes, he averages 48 with the bat and 34 with the ball in T20i’s, them’s shit hot numbers.
What I’m trying to say is…
HA FUCKING HA!
Australia are now officially shit again, and we can all laugh out loud at them.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, Alastair Cook, Ashes, australia, Brett Lee, Essex, Jason Gillespie, jimmy anderson, Kent, Michael Kasprowicz, Naked, Shaun Tait, stuart broad, Stuart MacGill, The England
Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.
Alastair Cook opens the innings.
Then it all gets weird.
He scored lots, and quickly. What the fuck is going on? I fear the end is nigh children. Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.
80 from 56 balls. QUE?!
Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly. I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.
Why does he not do it more? Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag.. I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, county cricket, Cricket, England, James Tredwell, Jimmy Adams, Jon Lewis, middlesex, Mike Hussey, Phil Hughes, Philip Hughes, The England
Good, but not that good... Yet...
Dear media,
Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.
Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division. This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.
Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.
So can we stop with the cock sucking please. He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.
I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent. He has. He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket. Not bad, I think you’ll agree..
What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The England batsman).
If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60’s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like. Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…
Now fuck off.
Update
Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.
I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair. That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..
Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Brad Haddin, Ricky Ponting, Shane Watson, Stuart Clark
You tight cunts, couldn't afford a five, eh?!
So 50 days to go.
One of the young lackeys has a bright idea “hey boss, why don’t we ask someone to bake a cake to celebrate that fact”.
“Good idea junior, it’ll look great for the photo’s, get on it!”.
What you get back is a shower of shit, with someone putting an upside down 20, instead of a 50 on the top.
Fuck my old boots, did you not expect anyone to notice?! Dumb cunts.
That is all.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Symonds, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, England, Matthew Hayden, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, The England
Symonds crying like a baby.
If there’s one fella The England didn’t want to have to face this year, for The Ashes, it was Andrew Symonds.
We hate him, because he’s good. He loves to smash a Pom.
In the last ashes series, Symonds came good in test match cricket. The England had fuck all on the board, in the 4th test, and Australia started their 1st innings, trying to get an imposing lead. Suddenly Freddie fired up, and The England had Australia at 83/5. In came Symonds, and along with OrphanEatingBearLikeFuckhead, destroyed The England. They put on 279 at over 4rpo, and destroyed any hopes of gettting a consolation win.
So we salute you ‘Strayan administracats, for sending the ginger in his place.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Dale Steyn, Ian Botham, Ishant Sharma, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Mitchell Johnson, New Zealand, Peter Siddle, Shane Bond, South Africa, The England, west indies
Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!
Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed. Not necessarily for the better to be fair.
I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.
I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.
This is perturbing.
Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser. Well some of us. By us, I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.
I now believe we have a good opening bowler.
This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.
That my friends, is fucking dangerous.
He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009. Pretty good figures them.
But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket). Let’s look at his averages again.
Since 2006/7 Ashes.
| Series | Average | Strike Rate |
| Aus v Eng |
82.6 |
112 |
| Eng v Ind |
35.5 |
62.7 |
| Eng v SL |
83.5 |
116 |
| NZ v Eng |
35.57 |
44.2 |
| Eng v NZ |
19.31 |
32.6 |
| Eng v SA |
33.93 |
69.3 |
| Ind v Eng |
53.5 |
109.5 |
| WI v Eng |
38 |
86 |
| Eng v WI |
17.72 |
35.1 |
|
|
|
|
| Home |
37.992 |
63.14 |
| Away |
52.418 |
87.925 |
| Overall |
44.403 |
74.155556 |
Still not good enough I’m afraid..
Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle. He doesn’t compare.
I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.
Jimmy’s not there yet. I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.
It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).
That’ll be the true test of his character.
So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: australia, Australia Day, india, Michael Clarke, Mitchell Johnson, odi, South Africa, Test
You're shit and you know you are etc...
This hasn’t been the best start to a summer for ‘Straya, has it boys and girls?
Beaten in India, beaten in the test series by South Africa, and now beaten in a home ODI series by the Saffers again (they haven’t won the major home ODI series for three years now!) .
This my friends is fucking fantastic. The rest of the world are pointing at you, and laughing like Nelson.
This is how us mere mortals feel most of the time.
So where did it all go wrong?
To be honest every where. The commentators on Channel 9, were discussing the Allan Border Medal, which is coming up soon, and were trying to think who could win the medal.
Michael Clarke and Mitchell Johnson were the only two names they could come up. How often does that happen, when the most biased commentary team in world cricket, struggles to think of more than two players to win the awards.
They’ve got no spinner. They’ve only got one quality quick, with a couple of emerging ones. The top order has been terrible in both forms of the game.
If I was a selector, I’d have Ricky Ponting back to the ranks and pick someone who can actually captain a side, without having to have a management conference every three balls.
Not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s Monday morning and I’ve been up since 4.30am.
WE LAUGH AT LOUD YOU!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Albie Morkel, australia, Herschelle Gibbs, odi, South Africa, Sydney
Albie Morkel, whilst picking up the MOM award against South Africa, had this to say about booze addled bad boy Herschelle Gibbs..
“I’ll be buying him a drink tonight.”
That’s the ticket. Just what a guy who’s been sent on an alcohol rehabilitation course needs to hear.
So if you catch Hersch on the pop tonight, you know who to blame.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Albie Morkel, australia, Church Of Sehwagology, Cricket, England, odi, South Africa, The England, Virender Sehwag, west indies
Ring a ding ding…
Albie Morkel, is a batting behemoth. He reminds me of Lance Klusener in his pomp. Bowls fast medium, and can absolutely belt the covers off the ball.
His 40 off 22 today, was the difference between the sides. South Africa cleverly waited until he got his eye in, then took the batting powerplay, and he went batshit. Admittedly he was helped by poor fielding from Australia (they are looking average in the field at the moment, dropping two catches in the first over of South Africa’s reply). This boy can really strike a ball, and the fact that he has a supervillain as a brother, probably helps. I imagine it would give you that extra confidence one requires, to beat all and sundry.
South Africa now take a 2-1 lead in the series, and it’s turning out to be a cracker.
In other news, The England arrived safely in the West Indies, after pissing off a plane load of tourists, by diverting the flight. They did hand out The England cufflinks to those that were upset by the delay, which is nice.
I’m expecting the england to draw the series. We will not be able to bowl out Grand Lord Megachief of Gold, so it’ll be another year of averaging over 100 for Shiv.
For the sehwagology members amongst us (that should be all of you, by the way, if I find out any of you are non-believers, it’lll be the Suavish Inquisition), our Lord hath spoken..
More to come shortly..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Symonds, australia, boxing day test, Brad Haddin, Brett Lee, Cricket, Matthew Hayden, MCG, melbourne, Michael Clarke, Mike Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Nathan Hauritz, Peter Siddle, Ricky Ponting, Simon Katich, South Africa
Strayan conquerers!
It’s official. Australia are now only average as a cricketing side.. They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father. It hurts kids, but get used to it! This is what being a The England fan is all about!
The reasons for their collapse are many. They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them. They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.
Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.
Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.
Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.
Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well. He’s a fucking useless captain.
Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.
Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.
Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.
Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection. Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.
Brett Lee. Shoot the damn dog. Shit, shit, shit.
Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.
Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!
Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria. Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..
Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future. I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa. Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.
Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.
UPDATE!
After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of Football365.com, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.
Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.
Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.
Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!
