Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!

Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.

Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs.  I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!

So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing?  Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing?  Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.

I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.

Today is one of those days.

Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers.  He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan.  Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure..  Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!

He also called for Panesar to go.  Too fucking right I say.  That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.

Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?

There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion.  Either way we win.  If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum.  If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.

They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid.  Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket.  He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket.   Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark.   Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..

Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar.  It’s FUCKING GENIUS.

One day I intend to have Alex’s babies  (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).

Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated,  so that we can bring back Ace.   He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike.   At least get three blokes who can do that in the side.   Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper  batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.

Here endeth the rant.   Carry on, nothing to see..

We’re only half way through day two and 20 wickets have fallen for 250 runs. 

Is it any wonder Lord Bobert Of Key got so pissed off with the pitch inspectors recently.  This being after their championship game lasted three days.

Now, I’ve never played on that wicket but it does look like a medium pacers paradise.  Hampshire bowler Dangeranus took 5/45, then super Mark Davies took a superb 8/24 for Durham.

Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?

I’m not sure what’s wrong with the lad, there must be something, he’s taken 209 FC wickets @ 21.57 excluding this match, (Fucking hell, how good is that? That’s a rhetorical question by the way)  yet he’s constantly ignored by selectors. 

Does he stink of rancid shit?

Does he have a penchant for small children?

Is he secretly an alien?

Is he really a viking warrior?

How the fuck would I know, I’m in a stupid godforsaken country that’s proud to be associated with the worst vegetable in the world!

A Fail just for King Cricket!

Dear King Cricket, the most anti-social of cricket bloggers has threatened to bounce me off the moon if I don’t create a FAIL Picture.  Admittedly, he’d have to leave Manchester and talk to people to find me, so I’m sure I’ll be fine!

Alas, here it is, just for you.   However, I’ve only made Jacques Kallis a Fail, rather than an Epic Fail, as the bowling he was facing, was of the highest quality you’re likely to see.  Flintoff was on fire, and he had Kallis plumb in front, which alarmingly Dar turned down?  Fred was pissed.   There’s no finer bowler in world cricket than an angry Fred, with 30,000 people roaring him on!

Here are my tips

1. ODI at Portishead Park: Winner

I’m going leftfield here.  No Result, due to rain.

2. Portishead Park: Highest run-scorer

No-one, as there will not be a match.
3. PP: Most wickets

No-one here either.

4. ODI at Fosters Oval: Winner

The England.  Because NZ are shit.

5. FO: Highest run-scorer

Ravi Bopara.  Well the boy’s got to start scoring at some point!

6. FO: Most wickets

Ryan Sidebottom.  The oval is notoriously flat, so only the best bowlers will get any wickets at all.

7. ODI at Lords (no funny titles appropriate there): Winner

The England.

8. Lords: Highest run-scorer

Ian Bell.

9. Lords: Most wickets

jimmy Anderson. I reckon it might swing, and if he gets the slope in his favour, he may cause havoc

10. Shortest innings in terms of balls faced excluding not out batsmen.

Tim Ambrose.  He’s shit, he’s a wanky wicky, and one of them there foreign fellas.

Here is her picture-metaphor, with a wink to King Cricket for the inspiration

Well done Mims, you’re a star.

For a look at the real reasons for his dismissals, have a look at Kingy Cricketings here..

Michael Carberry also seems to have been replaced, with a lesser version of himself.  But seriously, who cares?  Not me, that’s who, and as I am all-powerful leader of the republic, I have a lot of say around these parts!

The Lions crawled, and when I say crawled, I don’t mean baby speed crawling, I mean bloke with broken leg, dragging himself down a fucking mountain, after nearly dying, crawling, to 48-0 at Lunch.

In the next session, they lost 5-40, and appeared to be on their way to a miserable little total, until Luke Wright decided to get medieval on their arses!

Yes, the little fella went batshit and scored 120 at a strike rate of 91, to put them up to a decent 280.

Hopefully, we’ll see the real Rob Key back today, directing the troops in the only way he knows.  MAGNIFICENTLY!!

Robert Key, Robert Key, all knew what this meant;
Did he get out?
Was there any doubt?
Front foot clout;
Back foot clout;
Rob’s not out.

The Major Key (thanks to Miriam for this…), King Cricket’s favourite person, in the entire world (he’s close to being mine too), yesterday took the Kiwi bowlers to the sword. Not literally, you understand, metal bats were banned after that old fella Dennis Lillee got arsey.

He clubbed the hapless Kiwis for 178 not out. This now means he’s completed a hat-trick of hundreds against them. “This sort of kick-started my summer four years ago, so it’s a good omen,” said Key.

Sir Robert Of Kentington Key also had this to say..

“Sometimes you have teams as a batter and fortunately at the moment the New Zealanders seem to cop it.”

When asked what his chances of getting back into The England setup were, he said thus…

“There are a few guys scoring runs at the moment,” he said. “Ravi Bopara is getting a hundred most times he walks to the wicket, and Owais Shah is a fine player. A lot depends on what they need. If they need an opener, then I’ll go ahead, if it’s a No. 3, then maybe Owais [Shah], if they need someone to bowl a little bit, maybe Ravi [Bopara] … If they need an old bloke they’ve got Ramps.”

On present form, I’d have Key opening the batting with Strauss. Cook and Vaughan look awful at the minute. Right hand/left hand combo, both in touch, Ravi would replace Vaughan, with Bell at three.

UPDATE

News just in, Robert Key has been selected as captain of The England Lions, as he’s obviously a god.

That is all.

I’ve also signed up to Third Umpire’s Superleague. Third Umpire is another The English blog, which is written by nice chaps, not like the sweary fucker who writes this old pony..

My team and the reasons behind the selection, should you care, is as follows.

Michael Di Venuto. Scored a gazillion runs last year, just as most Aussies seem to in county cricket

Will Jefferson. Cos he’s a freak, and he used to play for Essex. King Cricket also loves him a lot.

Mark Ramprakash. Scored over 2000 runs in two seasons, and was my best performer by miles.

Ian Bell. If he continues in the form he showed last summer, should score eleventythousand runs this year.

Jason Gallian. He plays for Essex now, and averages about 40, which is OK. He was cheap too.

Adil Rashid. It was a tough choice between the young buck and Ryan Ten Doeschate, but I ended up picking Rashid. He’s had a great winter touring with the hedgehogs, and should get better as he gets fitter. Also, I was looking a little heavy on the Essex side, and we’re going to be shit this year.

James Foster. Plays for Essex, averages over 40, good hands. Scored his first double century last year.

Saqlain Mushtaq. You’ll notice that there’s a lot of spinners in my side, that’s cos they always take the most wickets in county cricket. Saqlain should do well at the Oval.

Dirk Nannes. I’ve picked him on the back of the man love shown by Jrod @ Cricket With Balls.
If he can carry on the form shown for Victoria, during the winter, he’ll rip county sides apart.

Mushtaq Ahmed. Took 90 wickets last year. Might take a few less this season, but still far and away the best spinner in county cricket

James Harris. Young (17) Glamorgan quick, bats quite well too. took 33 wickets at 24 in his first season, with best match figures of 12/118, highest score of 87no.

India, after capitulating so terribly on the first day’s play, have metaphorically been handed their arses on a plate, by an angry South Africa.

I reckon they were pissed off at having to bowl for three days on a shitty road, in the last test match. No fast bowler likes that sort of thing.

So they took their frustrations out on India in this one.

India have lost by an innings at 90 runs, inside three days. Ha!! That’s appalling. (To any of my Indian viewers, feel free to abuse me all you like, if SA do the same to The England, in this summers forthcoming test series!)

All round, this is a shoddy performance, from an overworked side. These guys should be looking for a rest after this test series, but they won’t get one, as the greedy f*ckers have all jumped on the IPL’s big bucks wagon..

Winners

Vehement letter C denier, A B De Villiers, scored a superb double century, and was ably supported by the most boring batsmen, ever to have lived, Jacques Kallis (close run thing between Kallis and Boycott, but Boycott edges him out, by being a funny old bastard).

The best quick in world cricket at present, Dale Steyn also took 8 wickets in the match, with superb pace bowling. He mixes his length, pace, and angles superbly, and looks so much smarter than most other quicks. He’s got about three different paced bouncers, which is horrible to face as batsman. Averaging 21.41 with a strike rate of 35. Scarily good.

Makhaya (I never touched her) Ntini. A good display from their most experienced bowler, with six important wickets in the match.

Irfan Pathan. Ended the match with 64 no. Two innings, not out both times. However, like the rest of the Indian fasts, he was poor with the ball.

Losers

The Indian top four. Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid & Laxman. 109 runs from two innings, from that quartet of quality. That’s shit, with a capital SHIT!

The Indian pace attack. Sreesanth, RP Singh & Pathan. Three quick bowlers took 2 for 249. Compare that to South Africa’s quartet, who took 19 for 309, and you see where it all went wrong.

Conclusion

Gary Kirsten has a shit load of work to do before the final test, if India are to salvage a drawn series here. They will be missing Sachin again, so the top four really need to step up. Sehwag’s OK, after his mammoth score last test, but Jaffer, Dravid & Laxman need to start scoring big, and scoring at a decent clip.

Their fast bowlers look out of sorts, RP Singh especially, he’s looked shit in both of these test matches, and really needs to up his game, to return to the form he showed against The England last summer.

Image from Cricket=Action=Art

I’ve decided that it’s not that bloody momentous, as the match ended in a bore draw, and it was a wicket that was flat and useless.

Alongside that, it hasn’t turned a series in to a winning position, as the Indians are currently getting spanked by 350 runs in the 1st innings of the second test. This is not looking good.

In my humble opinion, actually scrap that, I’m not humble, I’m an egomaniac! I mean my always right, never wrong, superhuman opinion, VVS Laxman’s innings against ‘Straya in 2001 pisses all over it.

Why so Suave? I hear you ask.

Because I bloody said so, that’s why.. Did you not read the last sentance? I’m always right, and that should be enough for you, you cheeky bleeders. Why if I were a violent man, I’d be taking my belt to you this instant, for the insolence!

Also, because that innings won the test match and eventually the series. Without that innings, Australia would have gone 2-0 up in the series, and it would have been all over. They had won the first test by a comfortable 10 wickets (bit of an understatement, that), and were so in command of this test match after two days, that it looked like a formality.

However VVS, ably supported by the perennial bridesmaid, Rahul Dravid, somehow combined to negate the threat of the axis of early noughties evil, McGrath, Warne & Gillespie, to give India a chance in the test match. Then Harbhajan Singh and Sachin Tendulkar stepped up, to take the wickets necessary to win the game.

VVS has a real love of ‘Strayan batting, averaging 50.63. That’s not bad at all, learned friends (he only averages higher against teh Windies & NZ).

This is the most momentous innings I’ve ever seen.

Although I did once score 102no in a wednesday night 20-20 game. That was pretty special. Their bowling attack was only marginally weaker than ‘Straya. In fact, it was four blokes who had probably never bowled in their lives. However, you can only play what’s in front of you!

Image from Cricket=Action=Art

What are your thoughts dear readers? Is it Sehwag or VVS?