Filed under: Cricket | Tags: England, india, Left Arm Spin, Monty Panesar, Paul Harris, South Africa
Paul Harris is currently better than Monty Panesar..
Discuss..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: England Cricket, india, Jamish Singh Dorma, Monty Panesar, The England
I used to be a spinner you know! 30yrs man and boy..
Our Indian Correspondant Jamish Singh Dorma, recently caught up with Monty Panesar to discuss the recent pressure he’s been getting from the press..
JSD: Monty, why are you a shithouse, useless fuckduck when it comes to bowling in the fourth innings?
MP: It is unfair to say I have a problem bowling teams out in the fourth innings, yes I was unable to make an impact on the last day in Chennai and I was very disappointed with myself, but to me that is the first time it was happened and I was up against a true masterclass from one of the greatest batsmen who has ever lived in Sachin Tendulkar.
People talk about me being unable to dismiss South Africa at Edgbaston last summer but remember I should have had Graeme Smith given out on that final day.
I have taken wickets in the last innings at Old Trafford and Durham and in New Zealand.
JSD: But you average over 35 in the fourth innings, compared with a career average of 32. Something’s not happening in the last innings. Are you a piss weak pansie?
MP: No, I’m not a bloody South African you know! Look at the majority of spinners who have taken Test wickets and you will see that they acquire their full range of skills when they are older than me. I’m convinced spinners don’t peak until they are around 30.”
JSD: So why don’t you fuck off until you are 30? Surely that makes sense?!
At this point, Panesar ran off crying, screaming out “Vaughany, Vaughany, I miss you so!”
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Amjad Khan, Andrew Strauss, Cameron White, Cricket, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, King Cricket, Line and length, Monty Panesar, Owais Shah, Patrick Kidd, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Sherminator, Steve Harmison
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!
Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.
Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs. I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!
So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing? Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing? Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.
I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.
Today is one of those days.
Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers. He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan. Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure.. Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!
He also called for Panesar to go. Too fucking right I say. That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.
Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?
There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion. Either way we win. If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum. If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.
They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid. Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket. He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket. Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark. Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..
Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar. It’s FUCKING GENIUS.
One day I intend to have Alex’s babies (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).
Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated, so that we can bring back Ace. He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike. At least get three blokes who can do that in the side. Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.
Here endeth the rant. Carry on, nothing to see..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, BCCI, Chakh De India, Charlie Brooker, Cricket, ECB, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Greame Swann, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Little master, mahendra Singh Dhoni, Matt Prior, Mohali, Monty Panesar, MS Dhoni, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Steve Harmison, The England, Virender Sehwag, Yuvraj Singh
You little master bater.
One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.
Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil. You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!
Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips. How the fuck do you lose a game from that position? By being weak cunts, that’s how. I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.
I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.
Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on! All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.
Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard. Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.
Ian Bell. The Sherminator should be sherminated. Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.
Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt. Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30), and needs to learn, fast. I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.
Paul Collingwood. Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly. As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”. Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.
Andrew Flintoff. He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder. He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that. Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.
Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more. I’ll let him off for now.
Greame Swann. Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.
James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit. Grow some balls, or fuck off. You get the full suave smashing.
Steve Harmison. CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT. I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.
Monty Panesar. PRICK. PRICK. PRICK. Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.
India, here at La Republique, I salute you.
Chakh De India!
Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god. Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.
More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, india, James Foster, Tim Ambrose, Matt Prior, Michael Vaughan, Geoff Miller, England, Adil Rashid, Owais Shah, Cricket With Balls, Ravi Bopara, Monty Panesar, The England, Graeme Swann, Ashley Giles, Tony Frost, Selection Cocks
The touring squad for India has just been picked, and there are no major surprises anywhere. Which is all a bit tedious if you ask me.
The three main areas of contention were..
The replacement for Mickey V, him of the central contract and the straight ball issue.
The choices.
Owais Shah
Ravi Bopara
The place has gone to Ace, as he’s an exceptional player of spin, and had a handy performance in India back in the winter of 2005, I’ve no problem with this one, as he’s shown class for The England whenever he’s played of late, and Rav The Chav has been smashing mediocre Division Two bowlers around all season. I mean fucking hell, Tony Frost, some brummy landscape gardener, with myopia, averaged 80 in division two this year.
Second we had the wanky wicky conundrum.
Matt Prior and Tim Ambrose had increment contracts, which is like a temp version of a central contract, so were the obvious choices for the selectors.
Prior Deserved it, Ambrose didn’t. The man is shit. Can’t catch and can’t bat at international level. IT should have gone to Essex Wonder Wicky, James Foster. He’s the best wicket keeper in the country by a long shot, and his batting is reliable, and solid. And to rub salt in to the wounds he doesn’t even get a shout with the development squad. If I was James Foster, I’d be talking to a few geezers in dark corners of Essex boozers about where the selection panel live. Know what I mean son? A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man.
Then we get two them troublesome spinners.
The choices were Monty Panesar, Greame Swann and Adil Rashid.
They’ve picked The Sikh of Tweak, and gobby bloke.
Young Buck don’t even get a sniff, which is shit.
He’s the highest wicket taker out of any spinner in the country. He’s taken 62 wickets at 30, and is a better batsman the Swanny, and has proven runs for The England Hedgehogs out in India too.
Jrod over at the peerless Cricket with Balls, had this to say…
He seems to have been chosen under the Ashley Giles selection policy.
“Sure he doesn’t take many wickets, but he can bat a bit, and everyone likes him, so lets take him along. “
The fact that Ashley Giles is on the selection committee probably had a lot to do with that!
Arsebiscuits to the lot of em..
Rashid is a better option, and he needs to be tested against quality opposition, to see where he really is. Being sent on The Hedgehog tour again, is like sending him back to do the same year at school, like the big retarded kid with the sideburns who smashes kids up for their lunch money.
They sent him away to improve his bowling last winter and he took more wickets than any other spinner in English cricket. What more do they need?
Some will say he’s too young, but he’s the same age as Murali was when he made his debut, and he was nowt special til he developed his doosra.
And off spinners are shit heads, FACT.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Cricket, England, Ian Bell, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Ryan Sidebottom, South Africa, Steve Harmison, stuart broad, The Broken Family Band, The England, Tim Ambrose
After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.
In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.
Alastair Cook
Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs. The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.
Andrew Strauss
full on hulk smash for Wing Commander. Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks. Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War. Fucking posh twat.
Michael Vaughan
Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself. Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!
Kevin Pietersen
New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker. He gets a little David Banner type hug. Keep it up big man.
Ian Bell
Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock. Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3. Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating. Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!
Paul Collingwood
Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese. Send him to the glue factory. Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck. I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod. Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.
Andrew Flintoff
I will never hulk smash big lad. I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement. He can do no wrong.
Tim Ambrose
Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains. This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death! Fuck off now. Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.
Stuart Broad
He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad. Or at least we hope he is. Bats lovely, bowls OK. Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet… I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!
Ryan Sidebottom
Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers. Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer. Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.
Stephen J Harmison
Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid. As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…). His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad. Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!
James Anderson
The wee man has done me proud this summer. Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot. This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice. Cuddles all round.
Monty Panesar
SMASH! Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra. Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer. I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own. All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang. Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star. Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!
Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: AB De Villiers, Alastair Cook, Andrew Strauss, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn, England, Greame Smith, hashim Amla, Ian Bell, Jacques Kallis, james anderson, Kevin Pieterson, Makhaya Ntini, Mark Boucher, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, Morne Morkel, Neil Mackenzie, paul collingwood, Paul Harris, Ryan Sidebottom, South Africa, stuart broad, Tim Ambrose
As a hardhitting journalist, with a vast array of cricket knowledge, I’ve decided to do a real piece of hardhitting journalism.
By hardhitting journalism, I mean, me talking shit about a weird dream I had the other night. It basically involved a cricketer of some repute following me around for eternity, performing his best shot, everytime I needed a pick me up. So I shall expand on that weird night, and add what I would have all of the The England and South African team doing if each of them had to stick by my side.
1 Alastair Cook
This young buck will apply eyeliner to me or my friends whenever required. He’s obviously very adept at this. See here for more.
2 Andrew Strauss
He will wear a biggles outfit during the day, with the flappy scarf and things, entertaining my republican army. When required posh lad will dress up in full evening suit, and smoke cigarettes through an antique cigarette holder, whilst supplying me with the finest brandies, wines and champagnes. It will be a suave double team, and a bally good show.
3 Michael Vaughan (capt)
Mr Vaughan is bound for life to perform a classy cover drive when I need him to, and to miss a straight one when I need a laugh. Good times.
4 Kevin Pietersen
KP is required to watch while I make love to his wife for all of eternity. See Morne Morkel’s details for added extras to this scenario. Strauss will also be in the corner, pouring my drinks and keeping me in cigarettes for the night!
5 Ian Bell
This little fuckstick is to throw roses at my feet until the end of time. Just like those lovely ladies in Coming to America.
6 Paul Collingwood
Is to forever follow me, as leader of Suave’s ageing ginger all-rounder army. He will protect me from abybody silly enough to attack our beloved and benevolent Suave leader.
7 Tim Ambrose (wk)
Wanky wicky is to stay behind me at all times in case I drop anything. I lose on average about £30 a month, dropping money out of my pockets. Little wanky wicky will stop all that, and give ole Suave another lunchtime on the pop a month. Well done that boy.
8 Stuart Broad
Young broadywoady pudding and pie, is to spend the rest of his days making sure Suave’s hair is in a perfectly coiffured state. This bucl already spends so much time on his own hair, I’m sure he’ll service mine beautifully.
9 Ryan Sidebottom
Mr Sidebottom will accompany Suave to every gig he goes to in futues, and will supply the hair when I cut mine off. Whenever I cut my hair short, the thing I hate most about gigs, is not being able to shake the hair. Ryan will provide this service.
10 Monty Panesar
Any and every time Suave performs something of note, of excellence (as you can imagine this would be an extremely busy job for the montster), he will high five me in his inimitable way. Wahey Monty!
11 James Anderson
Will be permanently by my side, until I’ve learnt what makes him the quick, snplayable bastard he can be. Once I’ve learnt that, I will train him to do that EVERY time he plays.
1 Graeme Smith (capt)
Bear like left hander, will spend time immortal licking the shit off my shoe, every time I inadvertently tread in some bastard dogs do doo.
2 Neil McKenzie
Old mentalist is to be by my side to ensure that my madness pales in to insignificance next to his, the crazy arsed fucker. I have a reasonably small version of OCD. So Mackenzie would make me look normal.
3 Hashim Amla
Amla is to join me on every flight with a budget airline I ever take from now on. He will sit by the window, I will sit on the aisle seat, guarenteeing that no fat, smelly people sit in the middle, and I can stretch out to my hearts content, or until people stop worrying that bearded muslims are going to blow up any and every motherfucking that moves.
4 Jacques Kallis
This boring twat is to break down an innnings of his, every time I suffer from insomnia, so that Suave can keep his beauty sleep to the necessary 8 hours. Instant karma, Suave is still beautiful. I win.
5 Ashwell Prince
Ashwell is to do a similar job to JK but for afternoon naps. He will come out to bat, and instantly send me into a lovely deep afternoon snooze.
6 AB de Villiers
Vehement letter C denier, will be my golf partner, if I ever take up the stupid, boring, fucking aimless game. As a scratch golfer, he’ll be able to cover up my inadequecies and ensure that Suave still looks Suave in plus fours.
7 Mark Boucher (wk)
This wicket keeper is to stand behind any of my annoying colleagues constantly chirping in their ears, whenever the fuckers start telling me about their love of computer games, porn or cars. Boucher will chirp away at them, telling them what useless lives they have, and that they should remove their gene pool from society.
8 Morne Morkel
Supervillain is required to laugh maniacally whenever I get the rage, and anything Evil is about to happen. Which as most of you lot have realised, is quite regularly. Get that larynx working you big fucker!
9 Paul Harris
It’s getting a struggle now, fuck me. Paul Harris appears to have no talents at all, so I’m going to stick him behind my private bar, to serve me drinks for the rest of time. Most of my local pubs now have saffers behind the ramp, and they work hard, so that’s it for this left arm tweaker.
10 Dale Steyn
To bowl fiery full, swinging deliveries into the legs of anyone getting in my way whilst walking. Suave is a very quick walker, and hates slow people getting in his way. Utilising his pace, will clear the way for me to get where i’m going in good time
11 Makhaya Ntini.
What can I get the convicted rapist to do, for ole suavey wauvey? I don’t need any rape in my life thank you very much. As Ntini likes to run from the ground to his hotel after tests, I will use him in emergency traffic situations, if I happen to get stuck in traffic anywhere, Ntini is to turn up and piggy back me to my destination.
I’m spent now, business hours are over! It’s business, it’s business time!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Aaron Redmond, Alastair Cook, Andrew Strauss, Brendan McCullum, Cricket, Daniel Flynn, Daniel Vettori, England, Ian Bell, Ian O'Brien, Jacob Oram, james anderson, James Marshall, Jamie How, Kevin Pietersen, Kyle Mills, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, New Zealand, paul collingwood, Ross Taylor, Ryan Sidebottom, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad, The England, Tim Ambrose
Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.
Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series. I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.
The England
Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.
Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!
Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out
Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!
Ian bell: fucking ginger twat. Suave HULK SMASH!
Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?
Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat
Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..
Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.
Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham
Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.
The Old Zealand
Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!
Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.
Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.
Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!
Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.
Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow
Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright
Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.
Ian O’Brien: Scares small children, he’s that ugly.
Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack
James Marshall: Shitter than his brother. Super shit?
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Strauss, England, Ian Bell, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Monty Panesar, New Zealand, paul collingwood, The England, Wing Commander
Well fuck my old boots. The England done won it, when they should have been spanked like a naughty orphan!
This is good. Wing Commander seems to look back in best form, and I’m doing fairly well in Sportsfreak’s tipping competition!
A couple of things alarmed me. Paul Collingwood looks like he’s batting with a matchstick instead of a big bloody bat! Ian Bell, should spend less time hiding his ginger, and more time remembering he has all the talent in the world! The little fuckstick doesn’t seem to be able to avoid fielders for love nor money. Strawberry haired arse.
Monty did well, but should be doing this more often. He’s still on my list for a slap, but he’s probably given himself a weeks grace.
Jimmy Anderson is still in line for a slap, although he’s averaging better than any recent series. If he could stop bowling pie-pie-pie-jaffer-longhop-pie, I’d be happy!
I’m a little pre-occupied at the minute, as I’m job hunting, but we will be back on it big time soon..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20-20, 20/20, Chris Tremlett, Cricket, Fat Head, fatheadflattrackbully, Greame Smith, IPL, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Mark Ramprakash, Matthew Hayden, Matthew Hoggard, Monty Panesar, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage. I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.
Matthew Hayden. This goes without saying.
Greame Smith. For wanting to be Hayden.
Steve Harmison. For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.
Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.
Jimmy Anderson. For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.
Stuart Broad. For believing his own hype.
Monty Panesar. For being a starfish.
The England Selectors. For not picking Adil Rashid.
The England Middle Order. For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.
Mark Ramprakash. Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!
