Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Dale Steyn, Ian Botham, Ishant Sharma, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Mitchell Johnson, New Zealand, Peter Siddle, Shane Bond, South Africa, The England, west indies
Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!
Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed. Not necessarily for the better to be fair.
I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.
I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.
This is perturbing.
Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser. Well some of us. By us, I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.
I now believe we have a good opening bowler.
This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.
That my friends, is fucking dangerous.
He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009. Pretty good figures them.
But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket). Let’s look at his averages again.
Since 2006/7 Ashes.
| Series | Average | Strike Rate |
| Aus v Eng |
82.6 |
112 |
| Eng v Ind |
35.5 |
62.7 |
| Eng v SL |
83.5 |
116 |
| NZ v Eng |
35.57 |
44.2 |
| Eng v NZ |
19.31 |
32.6 |
| Eng v SA |
33.93 |
69.3 |
| Ind v Eng |
53.5 |
109.5 |
| WI v Eng |
38 |
86 |
| Eng v WI |
17.72 |
35.1 |
|
|
|
|
| Home |
37.992 |
63.14 |
| Away |
52.418 |
87.925 |
| Overall |
44.403 |
74.155556 |
Still not good enough I’m afraid..
Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle. He doesn’t compare.
I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.
Jimmy’s not there yet. I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.
It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).
That’ll be the true test of his character.
So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.
Filed under: Cricket, Misdirection | Tags: Cricket, Daniel Vettori, india, Mclean Park, Napier, New Zealand, Sehwagology, Virender Sehwag
Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting...
How do you get rid of Lord Sehwag, when he’s in great nick?
Ask Daniel Vettori, The Geek of Tweak! According to this photo, it’s Kung Fu.
If you wanna bring down the big man, get the auld Bruce Lee skills out.
Danny V obviously has the skillz to pay the billz, and got Our Lord with some martial art madness!
So bowlers of the world, get down to your local Dojo’s and get training. It’s the only way!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Bangladesh, England, ICC, ICC Rankings, Jacob Oram, Jacques Kallis, New Zealand, odi, Shakib Al Hasan, South Africa, Stupid Cunts
Fuck off, he's not that good.
Shakib Al Hasan is now top of the ICC’s ODI All-rounders list, ahead of Jacques Kallis, Andrew Flintoff and Jacob Oram.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the boy’s got talent, but top? fuck right off.
If you had to pick a guy to rescue an innings against top quality opposition, who would you pick?
If you had to choose a bowler to go for next to no runs on all wickets?
Someone to scare the bejeesus out of middle order batsman?
It ain’t fucking Shakib, I can tell you that much.
Come on now, we all know the ICC rankings are shit, but this takes the piss.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: New Zealand, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, west indies
He bats and bats and bats.
Super Shiv on his way to a hundred, to underline his status as one of The Almighty Holy Trinity!
If one fails the others will deliver, for it is written in the bottom of your beer glass.
Worship at his Krabby Shrine.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Auckland Aces, Cricket, New Zealand, Tarun Nethula, west indies
Legspin, it's cooler than you are.
North Middlesex CC’s overseas player from 2008, Tarun Nethula, has made the cut for Auckland Aces, in the West Indies three day tour match, prior to the Windies upcoming test/ODI series against New Zealand.
Which is great news. Not only is he a talented cricketer, but he’s a bloody good chap as well.
He bowls leg-spin, (I kept wicket too him for a friendly last season) which we all know is as cool as it gets, and he’s a handy lower order bat too.
Doesn’t look as though he’s going to get a bat in this innings, as Auckland were 359-2 on day 1, so we’ll be watching out for his bowling performance…
Let’s hope he has a blinder, because we need more leg-spinners in world cricket!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: australia, Brad Haddin, Brendan McCullum, Cricket, Iain O'Brien, Jamie How, Michael Clarke, New Zealand, Ricky Ponting, Test Match
Iain O’Brien in his blog yesterday said, There is a quote that goes, “you are sure of three things in life, taxes, death and runs at Adelaide.” Yet New Zealand made 203 all out, and Brendan McCullum scored 83no of those runs.
What the fuck were the rest of the team doing? This is a pitch that Michael Clarke scored a century on, without one of his higher order players scoring a century before him, which is so rare, it’s like a blue moon, and a pitch that Brad Haddin scores a century on? Rubbish, absolute shite.
I’ve read in a few pieces today, that Jamie How was unlucky, as Punter pulled off an absolute blinder to remove him, but that’s bollocks, if he middled it, it wouldn’t have been caught, know what I mean friend!
That sort of wisdom is what makes me such a cricketing superpower.
Also, Brett Lee took five wickets, and at the moment you’ve got to be absolute cocking shit for that halfwit to take ONE wicket, let alone five!
So I reckon we’ll be seeing the Kiwis back at the bottom of the original test match team league after that shocker.
We now have the exciting prospect of a proper bit of competition, with South Africa due to play the first test against Australia on the 17th December. Now that will be a test…
In summary, Australia look ordinary, New Zealand look shit.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: australia, Eddo Brandes, England, Iain O'Brien, india, Jason Krezja, jimmy anderson, Lalit Modi, Marcus North, Nathan Hauritz, New Zealand, The England
Cor blimey guv, it’s all going off aint it.
Fucking bombs galore, hostages, and the terrists want us plucky Brits.
I can’t understand it? It’s as if we’ve been fucking around in their region’s politics for hundreds of years, subjugating their subjects, and denouncing the whole of their religion as evil or summat.
Next you’ll be telling me that the French don’t like us?!
Lucky it’s not Pakistan, or no foreigner would ever step foot in the country again! It’s OK though Lalit Modi, the evil genius, reckons we will be playing the test match series, and that’s that. Based on his previous, I reckon the auld bastard knows a few coercien techniques. So KP beware!!!
Also, they’ve cancelled the IPL & ICL, and the test series is on, so all that guff about the death of test cricket has just been turned on its head. It’s the death of pointless 20/20 tournaments! Huzzah!!
Enough bad news kids, Suavey’s home!
What the fuck is all this bollocks about a fitness race. I keep seeing this headline (especially just now, with the Krezja/Hauritz selection dilemma), and it’s raised a few questions in Suave’s superhuman brainbox.
- What is a fitness race?
- How many people are involved in it, is it just Hauritz and Krezja?
- What distance is it over?
- Who holds the Worlds record?
- What happens if the unfit guy happens to be quicker than the fit guy, even when injured? Imagine a fitness race between a fit Eddo Brandes and an injured Jimmy Anderson….
- Where does it take place, and can I watch it? Also can I bet on it?
- Why is the race between Krezja and Hauritz, when Marcus North is the best spinner in Sheffield Shield cricket this season. The fact that North is averaging 53 with the bat, should probably give him some sort of mention in the selection meeting, no?
- Surely a race is unfair on the bloke who’s injured?
- What if having the race does the fella in again? Until we know the specifics of the race, this is a distinct possibility I tells ya.
As always, I DEMAND ANSWERS ADMINISTRACATS. Or journalists, as you knobbies keep using the phrase.
Lastly, go to Iain O’Briens blog, he’s a fucking genius.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Brendan McCullum, chris martin, Daniel Vettori, New Zealand, Scott Styris
Now kids, you’ve signed a new deal with sportswear manufacturers Canterbury for a new kit and kaboodle.
You look to your squad of players, and think “who would look good in this, and model this kit to it’s best”.
I know that most of my lovely lady readers would pick Daniel Vettori, maybe Brendan McCullum as a bit of rough?
I don’t know, I understand less about womens minds than I do global economics, and complex Belgian politics.
They're SuperMegaFugly's with a bastard arsehole twist
But Scott Styris, fucking hell, he looks like he comes from a very small gene pool.
Chris Martin’s not too bad, but surely they could have come up with two better looking fella’s than that?!
Stupid Kiwis
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, Edgbaston, England, Fodderstompf, HULK SMASH, Ian Botham, Ian Smith, ICC, John Lydon, MCC, Nasser Hussain, New Zealand, Nigel Long, odi, pickle brained fucknut, PiL, RAGE, Riot, Rise, Stupid Fucking Umpires, The England
What a fucking farce that was yesterday. 43 overs played and no result.
Why?
Because Law 43 wasn’t applied. Nigel Long (third umpire) spoke to Nasser Hussain before the game about switch hitting, and confused the poor sky team, by mentioning Law 43. (Teh MCC laws only go up to 42) Law 43 is the first one they teach you at “Look at me I’m not good enough to the play the game, so I’ll stop you enjoying it, you better looking, richer, more talented fuckers” school (Umpire school), it is an unwritten rule, that says the power freaks in stupid hats, should use common sense.
Why the fuck did they not do that, when the “playing conditions” stipulated that you can only reduce the lunchtime break to a minimum of 30mins. WANK OFF YOU SHITTING COCKFUCKS. Fuck me, they’d only been on the field for an hour and a half. Why did they not use common sense? Ten minute turnaround, and that game was over.
It’s not often I agree with Ian “i’m a pickle brained fucknut” Botham or Ian “fuck me he’s got fat since 04″ Smith, but they were right yesterday. The fans sat there all-day in the rain, and they called the game off with one over to go. NZ needed seven to win. That would have been a magic finish, to a really good game of cricket. The players wanted to finish, the crowd wanted it finished, but the administracats want to ruin the game for everyone else.
If I’d have been in the crowd at Edgbaston yesterday, I would have had to start HULK SMASHING THINGS. I wasn’t, I was looking after The Gris, whilst the missus went for a pedicure.
Honestly, if that had have happened in India, there would’ve been a riot!
Now if we can get rid of Beefy, and let him drink himself into oblivion (whilst still keeping up the sterling charity work! Good on you for that Beefy), I’d be a happy man.
I’ve forgotten how to write, it seems, and this is just a vitriolic rant (this one’s for you Ceci!). So I’ll stop now.
One last thing.
Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy
I could be wrong
I could be right
I could be wrong
I could be right
UPDATE
See this in less sweary, posher format at Holding Willey!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Aaron Redmond, Alastair Cook, Andrew Strauss, Brendan McCullum, Cricket, Daniel Flynn, Daniel Vettori, England, Ian Bell, Ian O'Brien, Jacob Oram, james anderson, James Marshall, Jamie How, Kevin Pietersen, Kyle Mills, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, New Zealand, paul collingwood, Ross Taylor, Ryan Sidebottom, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad, The England, Tim Ambrose
Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.
Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series. I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.
The England
Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.
Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!
Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out
Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!
Ian bell: fucking ginger twat. Suave HULK SMASH!
Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?
Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat
Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..
Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.
Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham
Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.
The Old Zealand
Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!
Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.
Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.
Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!
Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.
Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow
Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright
Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.
Ian O’Brien: Scares small children, he’s that ugly.
Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack
James Marshall: Shitter than his brother. Super shit?
